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Tuesday, April 22, 2008

A new perspective. A new hope.

Hello everyone. Hopefully this post finds you all well and assures you that I am not dead and still doing good. I have not felt the pull to write until recently though, I can't be sure I'll resume blogging full time.
We have not yet found our homestead and recently decided to stop looking. I'm about 3 months out from having our fourth child, and second son, and since the whole house search has been so disastrous, we've decided to stay put until after he arrives. The ongoing saga for a home has consumed us for the last few months as we felt confidant the Lord would provide us with a home before the baby came. I can't even tell you how much more money and time we sunk into this search only to have our hopes crushed. I think it's finally clear; we're not to move right now. I've been reading 'The Imitation of Christ' and in addition to just feeling bad about our situation, I feel bad about feeling bad instead of offering it all up and thanking the Lord for this opportunity to suffer. Slowly, a feeling of hope is arising as I know that some good will come out of this as it always has in the past or I'm knocking some time off purgatory so long as I can not be a whiny wuss about it all.
After talking with a priest friend this past weekend, I'm trying to focus on the good things God has given us right now and how I can utilize those gifts for His ends. Of course I still have lofty goals of homesteading and service to the poor but the homestead has not appeared nor has the free time to run off to Camden. And it stinks having my husband's hard earned salary sitting as devaluing American dollars in a bank account instead of invested in crops, animals, tools and say, 50lb bags of rice and grain. In an apartment, we are at the mercy of the stores and the landlord.
But, I have three wonderful children, with a healthy fourth on the way. I'm surviving the homeschool day. My marriage is great. We have a great traditional parish with lots of friends who share our strong Catholic beliefs. Our kids are constantly busy with other Catholic, homeschooled kids. My husbands job is secure, we're saving money and we do have a nice roof over our heads. If I wasn't aware of Catholic Worker ideals, distributism, simple, agrarian values, etc. I would have no room to complain. (I still shouldn't.)
My husband and I are always planning and actively working towards our goals. The thought of 'sitting still' and just letting the chips fall for the next few months is nerve wracking but I have to assume at this point that what ever God has in store for us, outside the wonderful life he's already provided us with, will have to come in His time by His means. No amount of frantic searching on our part can speed along God's plan.
So what does it all mean for this 'Next Worker'? I'm not sure. I never wanted to be all talk and no action on Worker principals, which is how I feel. But I need to see the opportunities to 'feed the hungry and clothe the naked' in my own home. (Lord knows there's always hungry and naked people here.) My own children are no less important that children in Camden or Africa or anywhere. If this is where God wants me, then I can't assume my actions mean less than a Worker at Mary House in NYC.
So maybe I'm not the 'Next Worker' at all. Maybe, I've been Working all along and didn't know it. We'll see how it all plays out and how this new viewpoint effects my writing. The family as Workers; who knows?