The Struggle

In case you're wondering...yes, I had a baby. Surprise. Today was my official due date but my son Theodore Anthony arrived a wee bit early. Since his arrival on Oct. 8 at 2:14am I've been off bed-rest but, obviously, a bit preoccupied. Birth at 34 weeks meant Teddy was in the NICU for two and half weeks. During that time we received the difficult news that Teddy will also have Spinal Muscular Atrophy like his older brother Fulton.
Since that day in the NICU when the doctor gave me the results I have been struggling to figure out what the hell is going with my life. I've been overwhelmed with sorrow, furious with God and numb to everything around me. My faith, which sustained me during the period following Fulton's diagnosis, is suffering. I've stopped reading and writing. And, most upsetting, I've given up hope.
You wouldn't know it to look at me. I still love to be with my children, most especially Teddy and Fulton. I love spending time with my husband. We all enjoy the company of friends. But when I am still, and think of my situation, I am as I have mentioned.
Time will lessen the pain and I hope it will bring understanding of WHY, God WHY?! rather than more misfortune. Fulton's diagnosis made me a different person. I'm not sure what Teddy's diagnosis means for me now.
I will write again. I'm sure I'll need to in order to sort out my thoughts and heal but don't look for me on here too much. Perhaps a hibernation is in order.
You may take away this from my experience, because God willing you will never experience anything half as horrible- Nothing in life is certain. Time is short. You are more blessed than you believe so suck it up. Sorry if those sound cliched but any deeper meanings escape me at the moment. If there is something profound to be learned, I have yet to be enlightened.
I know that it is only through my faith that I will come through this, even though right now it seems that it is God alone who has caused/allowed this tragedy to befall me and more horribly on my children. I am trying to persevere and force the prayers to come. Your prayers, as always, are welcomed.